- Halloween is probably the slowest day of the year for hookers
- I think the worst name for anything has to be the "grapefruit"
- If I had a million dollars, I would buy a new pair of socks every day
- If you're going to rob a bank, and need to go to Kohl's to get pantyhose, you probably get very awkward looks
- What's the appropriate age to tell your kids you're a ninja?
- The only thing that's kind of funny about pedophilia is the pillow talk
- Actually, tied with grapefruit is "wet naps"
- If you made out with an invisible woman in public...you would look really really funny
- I like kickball because it's the only sport with all the instructions in the name. This is also the reason I don't like Blow Pops
- If you go to the barbershop and everyone is wearing lab coats, you're probably not at the barbershop
- You can really judge how good a food is by thinking about how much of it is disgusting. 5-gallon jar of mayonnaise: repulsive. Swimming pool filled with jello: awesome.
Something to listen to: The Decemberists - Yankee Bayonet
Something to do: Turn off your cell phone for an entire day and try to survive.
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